holding loosely

Saturday, March 10, 2018

That precious hand ...

I prayed that I would hold it loosely. 

So many times, I thought about the newborn stage with anxiety over MY baby. Then I'd hear the voice of the Holy Spirit: no no no. He's not MY baby. He is God's baby, entrusted to me for a time to steward well. I prayed that I wouldn't NEED him or try to use him to meet my needs. Just like marriage is such a struggle when I look to Zack to meet my needs, motherhood wouldn't have gone well if I had looked to my son to meet my needs. That wasn't Abraham's role, either. I also prayed that he would grow up to be a man, not a mama's boy. I will never understand why he was taken from me, but he was never really mine to begin with. God answered my most frequent prayer, swiftly--my son will spend eternity with Him in Heaven. 

[ONLY] Jesus Christ is the same yesterday, today, and forever. 
Hebrews 13:8 

I am most definitely grieving, and I'd give anything to be celebrating my son's first month with us today instead of remembering his first and last day. Still, I know God is good, and I trust Him. 


  1. Sweet friend. We are praying for you today. We have mentioned you to our Heavenly Father several times in the last month. May He continue to pour His peace over you.

    1. Thank you, Monica! I need all the prayers!

  2. I’m so so sorry. Leaving the hospital with an empty womb and empty arms is the most unbearable feeling in the world. It’s been over a year for me but sometimes it feels like it was just this morning. Praying for healing & peace for you and your husband.

    1. I'm so sorry for your loss, Danielle. I would not wish this on anyone, and I hate that babies die. Your baby's life was important. Thank you for your prayers. I'm saying a prayer for you now.


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